so, today, I lost the most important person to me. Officially. She had been gone for sometime, and I knew she was gone. But today it was made official that she will no longer be in my life. and at first I wanted to scream and cry and beg. I’d change, I’d do anything, just to be around her. To have her laugh at my stupid jokes, to do dumb things like we used to. But then I couldn’t bring myself to do it. To break down and to cry, I just didn’t want to. Because I had already known she was gone. I’d come to accept this fact, but I just didn’t want to realize it, didn’t want to accept it until the very last minute. Today, I said goodbye to my best friend. The person I’ve spent the last four years next to. The one who’s brought me back from my lowest points and experienced my highest by my side. Fuck. Now I’m crying. I feel lost and alone. But in a way I also have closure. Its over. Its done. But god, for one more day in the old days? I’d kill for that. The carefree teenagers we were, the innocence. My life is intertwined with hers, how I wish it wasn’t, because of the point we are at now, but it is. And I am alone. I am completely surrounded by people, but yet I’m alone. Then again, the best friend I had is not the person with whom I ended a friendship with today. The girl I knew, she had life. She had laughter. She had love and passion. The things I loved about her, loved her for, those things aren’t present anymore. Everything is too serious. And I don’t want to be serious. I want passion and life and love. I don’t want to just be serious. I want to live my life. I want joy. Pure joy. So I say goodbye to the person I knew, but I’d said goodbye so long ago to that person I can barely remember it. Today, I parted ways with the shell of the person I used to know. And that makes me sad. But it relieves me to know that I can move forward. I have grown and changed in different ways. Though I’d always thought I would grown and change with her. But these things happen? Right? I hoped and prayed they wouldn’t. I wished and denied and bargained. Hell, I’ve already gone through DABDA. So now is acceptance. Peppered with some depression and anger. But I will get through it. Tomorrow will be another day. And if our paths cross eventually, then we were meant to be together. But if not, I will survive.
Goodbye, best friend. I love you with all my heart.
If you were suddenly gone how would your world react? Whatever you imagined was wrong. There’s nothing romantic about death. Grief is like the ocean: it’s deep and dark and bigger than all of us. And pain is like a thief in the night. Quiet. Persistent. Unfair. Diminished by time and faith and love.
reblog if you want one of these in your askbox.
- a stupid question
- a compliment
- a tmi
- a story
- a poem
- about you
- what you think about me
- why you follow me
- if you met me what would you do
- a cute message
- one thing you want to tell me
i wish i could just disappear.
i’m feeling kind of gaaaay
but I don’t even care. I’ve started using this as sort of an outlet. One I don’t pay much attention to, or really care about. I wish I could say that it would mean something to someone, these words I write, but I don’t think they really do.
I guess this is kind of an online diary. Those are blogs, right? Eh, fuck it.
This is where I’m gonna put the shit I don’t let anyone else read. The thoughts I never speak. The emotions I don’t let anyone know I feel. This is me, mostly past me. But whatever.
I’m super annoyed that the scroll on my laptop curser doesn’t work….ugughghhghgh
December 10th, 2009
There is nothing I could say now that would make any sense to you, seeing as my words are empty to you. You don’t care. You used to care, and now that has disappeared. You used to talk me up, to heights that regularly, I would have been terrified to fall from, but with you in my life, there was no fear. There was no doubt. There was no sorrow. There was trust, and unison, and love. Complete unyielding love. I loved you with every ounce of my being. I loved you every second of every minute of every hour of every day. I loved you more than I could have ever possibly imagined being capable of loving another person. I loved you like you loved me. Where has that gone? Why has that gone? Why didn’t you come back? You broke every promise, you shattered every dream. For every effortless moment I was in love, I now feel devoid. I feel unloved. I feel un-special. I feel unappreciated. I feel un-needed. I feel low. Lower than low, because low would still relinquish some feelings. I am devoid, though. I have no emotion, I have no feelings. I am empty. Completely at loss for words, at loss for feelings, at loss for love. I am grieving. Grieving for the relationship I thought I was in. Grieving for the person I thought you were, and the person that I lost when you left. Grieving for every dream, every hope, every desire I once had involving you. I am full of grief. I just miss you. I just want you. I just need you. I just love you.
Cheers to being pathetic.
the worst dream last night. I woke up sobbing and with a feeling of hopelessness and emptiness. I have never felt so alone. It was crazy how a few minutes later, a few words, and one simple phone call turned it all around. I have never felt so completely and utterly in love with another human being. I feel complete, in every way. Going into the details is unneccessary and I frankly don’t care enough to write it all down. So I will end this blog post with this:
“What i need to live has been given to me by the earth, why i need to live has been given to me by you.”
my love, my life, thank you for bringing the light. thank you for bringing the joy. thank you for bringing me to my entire potential. thank you for making me whole. without you, I am not me, and with you, I am someone I never imagined.
really understand this website, nor do I care. I guess I should share some thoughts, anyway. Just in case anyones listening.
Most of this shit will be months or years old, but I haven’t felt depresseditively (not a word, I know) creative in quite some time.
So here goes numbero uno:
I feel you stirring underneath my skin, but I can’t feel you anymore.
I don’t remember how it felt when you touched me, I don’t remember the way your lips felt on mine.
I can’t recall the sound of your voice as you whispered sweet nothings into my ears.
I can’t remember the scent of your skin, on my skin.
I can’t reminisce on the sound of your heartbeat, drumming in my ears.
All the little things that were once so deeply impressed upon my mind, I can’t grasp on to revisit.
The words you uttered, I can’t remember how they rolled off your tongue.
there my day goes. Its already 7fucking30.
My laptop is being shitty lately, I’ve only had it for a year, if I have to get a new one I WILL kill someone.
Also, found a new car today, THANK GOD. Winter transportation, here I come.
South buuullllshit for an hour to spend over $100 just to walk in a ceremony. At least I get the experience. Its about a right of passage, for me. Stickin’ it to the man, I graduated, with my AA, and nothing you tried messed that up for me.
Alllllso, first official day of work tomorrow. thuperthoked!
gaaaaaay seasons on dvd tonight + comfort foooooooooooood